Grief Resources
Young people respond to grief and loss in a number of ways. If your student seems unusually upset, worried, withdrawn, or has trouble sleeping—or if you are simply concerned about their reaction—please reach out to your school's student services team.
Talking with your student about community violence and loss
Keep the following in mind as you support your student:
- Talk openly and regularly, listen deeply and validate feelings as your child shares what they are experiencing. Check in often over the days and weeks to come.
- Monitor news and social media exposure, and encourage breaks from media around the situation.
- Maintain home as a safe place, and emphasize the ways in which they are safe by providing examples of efforts that are taken to ensure safety.
- Watch for signs of distress, fear, or anxiety. After a traumatic event it is normal to experience a wide range of emotions, and there may be changes in your child’s behaviors (examples: mood, appetite, or sleep patterns) because of their response to the event. Seek support in school or the community if you feel that would be helpful, or if your child’s responses are strong or prolonged.
Additional points to emphasize when talking with children and youth:
- There is a difference between reporting and ratting, tattling, or gossiping. You can provide important information that may prevent harm either directly or anonymously by telling a trusted adult what you know or hear.
- Although there is no absolute guarantee that something bad will never happen, it is important to understand the difference between the possibility of something happening and the probability that it will affect you.
- Violence is never a solution to personal problems or conflicts. Students can be part of the positive solution by learning conflict resolution skills, and seeking help from adults if they are or a peer is struggling with anger, depression, or other emotions they cannot control.
- Senseless violence is hard for everyone to understand. Doing things we enjoy, sticking to our normal routine, and being with friends and family help make us feel better and help keep us from worrying about the event.
Resources
Violence
Talking With Children about Violence: Tips for Families and Educators
How to Talk to Your Child about Shootings and Other Acts of Violence
Helping your Children Manage Distress in the Aftermath of Shooting
Grief
Community Resources to Support Students around Grief and Loss
Supporting Students who are Grieving
Resource for families, staff and students on processing loss
Children’s Understanding of Death
Preschool (age 2–6)
Generally around age 4 children have a limited and vague understanding of death. Children of this age generally do not think of death as permanent. They may believe it is reversible and talk of doing things with the person in the future. Preschoolers frequently engage in magical thought and play. They may believe if they pray or wish hard enough, they can bring the dead person to life. A teacher may overhear a child tell a friend, “My mommy is not dead. She is visiting Grandma.” Young children may connect events or things together that do not belong together. A child may tell his brother he hates him, and a short time later the brother is struck and killed by a car. The child may not only have guilt for what he said, but feel responsible for causing the death. As teachers and caregivers, we must disconnect these events in children’s thinking by reassuring them that the events are not in any way related.
Primary (age 6-9)
Children at this age have begun to grasp the finality of death, but very often they still engage in magical thinking and maintain the belief that their thoughts and wishes may have the power to undo death. This belief in their power may lead to the idea that they could have prevented the death or they should have been there to protect the person who died. This thinking also is likely to lead to feelings of guilt and responsibility for the person’s death.
Intermediate grade (age 9–12)
Developmentally, at this age, children are reading adventure books, telling ghost stories, and becoming preoccupied with super heroes. They often look on death as some supernatural being that comes and gets you. Even though they think of death as something that happens primarily to old people, they realize it can happen to the young, to their parents, to their loved ones. At this age they may develop fears of their parents dying or have nightmares about the death of a friend or loved one. They may also think people die because of some wrongdoing of the dead person or someone around them; that is, death is punishment for bad behavior. Again, this type of thinking can lead to feelings of guilt and remorse.
Middle and high school (age 12–18)
By the time children reach middle school, they probably understand death as well as adults. They understand it is permanent and it happens to everyone eventually. They spend much of their time thinking, daydreaming, and philosophizing about death. They are often fascinated with death and fantasize about their own death to the dismay of their parents. They imagine their own funeral, for example: who will come, how badly people will feel, and how people will wish they had been nicer to them when they were alive. Even with this preoccupation with death, they can feel immune to it and engage in death-challenging behaviors such as reckless driving, drinking, or taking drugs.
When Grief/Loss Hits Close to Home: Tips for Caregivers
The nature of the loss (i.e., expected vs. sudden) will impact the way caregivers address the loss of a family member. While grief is often characterized by sadness, emotional pain, and introspection in adults, children’s grief reactions will vary depending upon their developmental level. More specifically among preschoolers one might observe regressive behaviors, decreased verbalization, and increased anxiety. Among elementary school aged children one might observe decreased academic performance, attention/concentration, and attendance; irritability, aggression, and disruptive behaviors; somatic complaints; sleep/eating disturbances; social withdrawal; guilt, depression, and anxiety; and repeated telling of the event. And among middle and high school age youth one might observe decreased academic performance, attention/concentration, and attendance; avoidance, withdrawal, high risk behaviors or substance abuse, difficulty with peer relations, nightmares, flashbacks, and emotional numbing or depression. The death of a family member may be further complicated by the child’s relationship to the deceased as well as to the surviving parent (e.g., if mom and dad are divorced). Cultural factors are important to consider when working with family members after a loss. Some families will be more open to discussing the loss whereas others based on cultural/religious beliefs may choose and request that the loss “not be addressed at all.”
Community Resources to Support MMSD Youth Around Grief & Loss
| Name | Description | Contact Information |
|---|---|---|
|
Briarpatch Youth Services |
Local organization for teens struggling with school, friends, or family |
Help-line: 608-251-1126 |
|
Journey Mental Health Center |
Local resource serving youth and families in Dane County; providing services and consultation for urgent situations. |
Dane County 24-hour Crisis Line: 608-280-2600 |
|
Trevor Project |
Leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ youth and allies |
Lifeline: 866-488-7386 |
|
Agrace Hospice Care |
Local resource providing grief support resources including books, articles, and websites to help children and adults cope with loss. Support groups led by grief counselors are also available free of charge for children and adults. |
Grief Support |
|
HOPELINE |
Emotional support text line. HOPELINE’s purpose is to offer emotional support and resources before situations rise to crisis level. |
Free text to 741741 |
Batts, J (2004), NCSP DEATH AND GRIEF IN THE FAMILY: PROVIDING SUPPORT AT SCHOOL: Eastern Kentucky University